Examination
by Pokoton
Summary: "You're a prick but I like you anyway".
1. Sibling Rivalry

**A/N: I hope you like this story. This is my first multi-chapter story, and there are going to be about six chapters. I tried to keep it as close to the real facts as I could, but I did change a few things: I'm making Lily and James get together in sixth year, because they have so little time together before they die and I find that upsetting. I also referenced a few 21****st**** century things, like Miranda Kerr and Dubai (can we just pretend Dubai was as developed as it is today).**

_I used to be outspoken  
Doing anything for someone's attention  
And when that changed I guess you thought  
That I was no longer me_

Posters, by Youth Lagoon

If you're reading this I'm already dead. No, I'm only joking.

I like libraries and stadiums. I like chocolate wrappers. I like people with tall hats and long robes. I like people with tall hats and long robes with long beards. I like my collar bones, and I almost like my height, because it's just one centimeter away from Miranda Kerr's height. I love school, because there are so many people there so you always have company.

There are also things I hate. I hate personal questions, and I hate my friends. I hate wet T-shirt competitions. I hate clingy people – but I also kind of love clingy people. I hate History of Magic, and I hate the start of a new term because I have to say goodbye to my family for a few months.

At the start of every term, on the morning that I catch the train to Hogwarts, I have coffee in London with Petunia.

"I wish you wouldn't do that" Petunia said. She was watching me pour sachet after sachet into my coffee. "It looks uncivilised".

"Sorry, I didn't realise excessively sweet coffee was the new symbol for anarchy" I replied. I proceeded to pour one more sachet into my drink, just to annoy her a bit. "Anyway, how are things with 'Driller'?" I call him 'Driller' because the first time Vernon Dursley came to our house he kept talking about how he's inheriting a drill company from his father. Trying to be friendly I suggested his name would be 'Driller' because he likes drills, but then he turned red and Petunia put her head in her hands.

"Not so good, we had an argument a few days ago"

"Oh?"

"He doesn't want me to go to Oxford"

"That's rude, why not?

"He says he has great earning potential so I don't need to work. He wants a traditional family. You know, where the wife stays home and looks after children while he has a career"

"Oxford is world renowned! You have to go!"

"I'd love to, but I'd also love to make a family with Vernon"

"He wouldn't make you choose between him and University, would he?" I asked.

"Probably not" she sighed. "But even if I do go and Vernon doesn't leave me, I still might end up as a stay at home mother"

"I can't picture you doing that"

"Maybe I should use the money I would use for Oxford on lots of frilly aprons and salmon coloured dresses instead" suggested Petunia.

"Now that sounds like fun," I replied sarcastically.

There was a pause as we each had a sip from our drinks. "Lily, I wish you'd come to the open day. I could pretty much feel the knowledge in the air. There's a library with every book published in Britain! And all the lecturers are experts!"

"And the buildings are so old and beautiful"

"Not to mention it will open doorways to my ideal career" she added.

"You sound like a brochure"

"My ideal career is to write brochures" said Petunia. She's joking; she actually wants to be a surgeon.

"That's a glamorous future"

"I'm a glamorous lady" Petunia joked. I know she doesn't think so, but she actually is rather glamorous. I've always thought she was, but that's probably just because she's older than me. She has blonde, wavy hair that ends a few inches above her elbows, which she often ties in a high bun. He lips are big, so she has a colourful collection of lipsticks and lip glosses. She's a bit shorter than me, so she can wear heels and not look ridiculously tall. People sometimes think she's vacuous, but if she was she wouldn't have been accepted at Oxford.

"Enough about University, Dad has been interrogating me about it since I received my acceptance letter. How's it going with James?" she said.

"I haven't seen him since the end of term one, remember?"

"But you still like him, right?"

"Right"

"And does he still like you back?"

"I have no idea. He's being nicer to me than ever, but he doesn't ask me on dates" I sighed.

"How's he being nicer to you?"

"He's acting like a normal friend"

"So no more 'witty' pick up lines?"

"Not a single one, just a lot of conversation" I said, "Does that mean he likes me more so respects me, or does that mean he likes me less so doesn't want to ask me out?"

"Wait and see what he says about your haircut this evening"

"How do you decode a comment about hair to know how someone feels about you?"

"It's easy," said Petunia, "If he says 'nice hair' it means he likes you as a friend. If he says 'I want to caress your head' it means he likes you as more than a friend".

I burst out laughing at this. I had a mental image of James having a candle-lit dinner with the ends of my hair. Then I realised that would be quite dangerous, because he might set fire to it by accident, but he probably wouldn't notice because the fire would just blend into my red hair. I stopped laughing when I noticed the old couple at the next table over glaring at me. "I can't wait to see him tonight. Or if not tonight I should see him tomorrow in Transfiguration".

I realised immediately that I shouldn't have said that.

Petunia bristled at the mention of magic. She still hasn't gotten over not coming to Hogwarts with me when I was 11. "Oh. So you guys share a transfiguration class? Sounds like fun."

"Petunia, I didn't mean it like that"

"No, no, it's fine. I don't mind" she said stiffly.

"Well, um, good. Let's talk about something else?" I suggested carefully.

"Yes, great idea Lily," said Petunia, sounding oddly formal to conceal her anger.

"Um... what else have you been up to lately?" I said. I was desperately trying to change to topic to prevent Petunia from blowing up at me.

"Have I told you that I'm buying a Labrador for Vernon?"

"Cute, what colour?" I said a bit too enthusiastically.

"Gold, like the dogs in the paper towel advertisements,"

"Cool, that sounds lovely; I wish I could have a dog," I said. Ugh, why do I sound like such a phony when I'm trying to get along nicely?

"Why don't you get one?"

"There's rules against them at my school,"

"Oh wow, what a hard life you must lead," said Petunia bitterly.

"I didn't mean it like that!"

"I'm sure it's very hard to only be able to have a phoenix or a unicorn as a pet,"

"What's your problem, I was only talking about a stupid pet dog?!" I snapped.

"That's not all you brought up,"

"Whatever, let's change the subject,"

"No, I like being reminded that you go to a magical school, in a magical palace, where instead of learning algebra you wave sticks around and turn teapots into cats". I hate it when she does this. I wish I could simply mention the place where I spend most of the year without her thinking it's a person attack. She's using this particular voice, like she's trying to be very calm and polite yet completely failing. I can feel the anger radiating off her. It's just lucky she isn't yelling, as she would be if we were at home. Petunia cares a lot about her image so hates causing scenes.

"Petunia, isn't it time you stopped being jealous about something that happened six years ago?"

"I'm not jealous; I just wish you would stop showing off your weird abilities" she snapped.

"Showing off? I merely said that I couldn't have a dog. If anyone here is showing off it's you"

"As if I have anything to show" She scoffed.

"You seriously don't see it?"

"See what?"

"Mum and dad are obviously more proud of you! You're the effortlessly smart one, you succeed in everything! You're not even one of those 'uncool' nerds, you're friends with like half the school" I snarled.

"Yes, that's right Lily. I never try in school and then I spend my free time befriending 350 people"

"There, you're showing off again. It's bad enough that I had to listen to you complain about your choice between a devoted boyfriend and a prestigious school" I said. I know she was being sarcastic and mocking me, but I felt like she was actually telling the truth.

"If it was so bad, why did you pretend to care?" Her voice is getting higher. That's what happens when she wants to yell but can't.

"I wasn't preten–" I began.

"And prestigious school? You go to school in a _magical palace_. It's so exclusive that you have to be born weird" said Petunia.

"Firstly, I am not weird"

"No, you're a freak" she hissed. Why do people think people with red hair have hot tempers? If anyone had seen me and Petunia together they would see that blondes are way worse.

I ignored her comment. "Secondly, I can't help being born the way I was, and thirdly, it's a castle, not a palace". Ok, I admit I'm not even trying to make her any less angry.

"Oh, sorry, my mistake. I meant _magical castle_." Petunia sneered.

"I don't see why you're making such a big fuss about the building"

"Sure you don't" She said, sarcastic.

"It's not like I run around re-enacting Disney films!"

"I didn't say that you did!"

"Well you're acting like it"

"I just meant that you get to live in a huge, beautiful building, you never have to do chores, schoolwork is interesting and you live with your friends without parental supervision!"

That last point, the one about living with friends, really hurt. See, I haven't actually told Petunia that my friends suck. The only thing we have in common is that we share a room. "Fine. Fine! Maybe I should just leave for my wonderful school early".

"Please, don't let me keep you from your perfect life" Petunia's voice was colder than ice.

"And don't let me keep you from yours!" I spat. I threw twenty pounds on the table and stormed out of the cafe, catching a glimpse of Petunia's hard glare and pursed lips on my way out. I walked down the street till I reached Petunia's car, where I had left my trunk. Then I pulled it to a park around the corner to rest on the bench. The sky looked like it was about to rain.

The train to Hogwarts didn't leave for another hour, and I didn't feel like moping around in the rain till then. I didn't even feel like catching the train. I'd just have to act all happy and listen to my friends, Katrina, Natasha, Adrianna and Anker, talk incessantly about some band or whatever.

Instead I wheeled my trunk into a small, deserted street and standing on the sidewalk, I held my wand out over the road to summon the night bus. There was a shrill bang and a flash of light. The huge wheels of the night bus had shuddered to a halt in front of me.

I handed the conductor fifteen sickles and climbed aboard. I didn't need to ask the conductor to get my trunk, he already had it.

I'd only caught the night bus once before. It's not as bad as people say it is. I've heard stories of people vomiting everywhere from Frank, and Alice told me she ran into a large group of vampires on it once. I didn't encounter any vomit or dangerous creatures on my last ride, and I hoped I wouldn't this time either.

The bus wasn't very full, which was surprising considering the time of day. I took a seat near the back of the second floor. The conductor shoved my trunk onto a rack above my head and I told him I wanted to go to Hogwarts. With a loud bang the bus shot off down the road.

We whizzed by the scenery, passing suburbs, fields of grass, factories and more fields, stopping regularly to let someone off. At last the bus dashed through a forest and I saw Hogwarts ahead of me. A minute later the conductor told me it was my stop. I stepped off and he lowered my trunk onto the dirt ground next to me. With another loud bang the bus had disappeared.

Using a levitation charm on my trunk I set off up the long road to school. It was growing dark. I checked my watch, which told me it was almost dinner time. The night bus must have taken a lot longer than I thought. As I walked I had to keep reminding myself to not think about my fight with Petunia. Finally, after what felt like an hour I arrived at the steps to the Great Hall and I could hear the rumble of hundreds of people talking.

I pushed open the doors to the Great Hall, which was filled with students.

"Miss Evans," called a voice.

I turned around.

"There you are, Evans, I noticed you weren't in the prefect carriage of the train. If you could just put your trunk in there," said Professor McGonagall, pointing to a small chamber. I did as she said and returned to the Entrance Hall.

I hate being in large crowded rooms. I don't mind so much when there is some order to it, like the seats and desks in a classroom, or the long tables sorted by house in the Great Hall, but right now in the Entrance Hall I find it stressful. I feel like everyone else has someone they can talk to right next to them, and if I don't then I think everyone is staring at me – I know it's stupid.

I self-consciously pulled my jacket sleeves over my hands (I had forgotten to change into a school uniform) and sat down on the marble staircase.

"Hey, Lily!" It was James Potter. He was a little taller than when I saw him last, but apart from that nothing had changed. He had the same long nose, messy dark hair and hazel eyes as always. His robes swished a little as he made his way to me.

"James, I haven't seen you in so long!" Well, only a few weeks, actually.

"You got a haircut! It's pretty" said James. He didn't say either of the two things Petunia had said he might. He sat down next to me on the step.

"Thanks," I said. "So how was Dubai?"

"It was excellent, really interesting. I stayed with my cousin"

"Oh cool, is he nice?"

"Well, no, but it didn't matter. I had a really good time anyway. Did you get up to much?"

My holidays were lame compared to James'. "Not much, I just spent a lot of time with my family".

"That must've been fun"

"Yeah, I loved it" I said, pushing the memory of my fight with Petunia into the back of my mind.

The students around us began shuffling into the Great Hall. They reminded me of a herd of cows or sheep.

"I went swimming a lot. My parents put a new pool in our back garden two months ago, this was the first time I could go in it" I said as we stood up and joined the back of the herd of students.

"Wasn't it too cold for swimming?" He asked as we stood up and joined the back of the herd of students.

"An indoor pool, I mean"

We had reached the huge double doors to the Great Hall. It was getting harder to talk because of the echoes from the hundreds of students also talking. "That sounds like fun. Well, I guess I'll talk to you later, Lily" said James.

"Yeah, see you" I said in reply. He disappeared into the crowd, leaving me alone to find my friends. I spotted Katrina sitting a few metres away.

"Trina!" I said excitedly. I wasn't really excited, but it's kind of expected of girls to be really excited to see their friends.

"Oh my god, Lily!" she replied. She seemed more shocked than excited. "What happened to your hair?!"

"I know, right?" I said. "I was so angry at the hairdresser; don't worry, it looks better after I straighten it". That was a lie – it always looks good. It's kind of curly, and it goes a few inches past my collar bones. Last time Trina saw me it reached my elbows and was all one length. Now I have long layers.

Anker, Natasha and Adrianna joined Katrina and I. They sat on the opposite side of the table. I could see James chatting animatedly to Sirius at the far end of the table. It looked like they were having a lot more fun than I was.

Dumbledore stood before the school and gave a short speech. Then large serving dishes full of food appeared along the tables. I helped myself to a bowl of asparagus soup. Natasha and Trina were discussing Alice and Frank, who had just started dating.

"I don't think it counts as 'dating' if you haven't even held hands yet" interjected Anker.

Everyone laughed, even me. I wish I hadn't; Alice is actually quite nice to me.

"How long do you think it will last?" said Natasha.

"Is this starting from now or from the first hand-hold?" said Trina.

"Now"

"Maybe a month?" suggested Adrianna.

"No, two weeks" said Anker.

There was more laughter. I assume they think it's funny because Frank has a reputation for being shy and overly conscientious, while Alice has a reputation for being very loud and confident. Alice actually told me at the end of last term that Frank kissed her, so things are actually going much better than Anker thinks.

"Either way, it can't last long if Alice keeps wearing _those_ shoes" sneered Natasha.

"She looks so trashy!" laughed Adrianna. I didn't think they looked trashy. They were simple, black leather heels. They only looked about two or three inches high.

The dinner dishes disappeared and were replaced by desserts. I spooned some pink blancmange into my bowl.

The topic of discussion turned to this band, The Backstreet Thestrals. Adrianna is positively obsessed. She keeps a cardboard cut-out of the lead singer in our dorm. Natasha has her share of merchandise, too. I wasn't really listening to Trina's analysis of the lyrics to their most recent song.

I hate The Backstreet Thestrals. Well, the band itself isn't so bad. I always just feel left out when the others talk about them. I don't find bands that interesting. Once my friends start agonising over their hairstyles and quoting lyrics, it's hard to stop. The longest recorded time my friends have talked about them without rest has been four and a half hours.

Twenty minutes later the dessert was finished and we began to make our way back up to the dormitories. I noticed Trina sat on some white mashed potato. Her comment about my hair was still fresh in my mind so I said nothing.

**A/N: ****Please review 3**


	2. Prying Eyes

_And if we try once more  
Would you give me it all?  
I won't believe it  
'Til I can feel it  
Can you feel it?_

Try, by the XX

My headache hadn't gotten any better even though I drank 2 litres of water. I guess that's what studying for 4 hours straight does to you. I wanted to finish at least most of my homework today so that I would have time to focus exclusively on my Transfiguration essay tomorrow. However, this became much harder when my friends sat with me after dinner to do their homework, too. If 'do homework' meant 'gossip and distract Lily' they would also be finished for Friday.

"...Anyway, then she was like 'he's in a difficult place' and I was like 'what are you talking about'" said Natasha. "And she was like 'you're a bad influence' so I said 'I only want to comfort him' and she rolled her eyes".

"How rude!" said Katrina.

"I know, right?"

"Right"

"So what are you going to do next?" asked Anker. Although no one has explained it to me, I get the impression that Natasha kissed some boy, but his sister is trying to stop Natasha from going out with this boy. That's just going off what I overheard from their whispered discussion.

"I don't know, I mean, I have to reach him without his sister knowing"

"That couldn't be too hard" said Anker.

"They're pretty close" said Adrianna. "He probably tells her everything"

"Exactly. I just don't know what to do"

"Could you corner him after class?"

"I tried that, it didn't work"

"How come?" asked Katrina. She sounds so concerned.

Ugh, I can't listen to this anymore! I don't care why Natasha couldn't talk to some guy! I have a Potions essay to write. _Houndstone has many uses, most of which are medicinal. Because of its scarcity... _I don't know. I reread the paragraph in my text book about where houndstone is found and tried to write it into my essay, but the words just wouldn't come. I noticed James a few tables over sitting with his fellow marauders. They were all crowded around one very old, big book. James rumpled his hair before pointing something out on the page. I dragged my eyes off him and back to my essay.

"How about you slip him a note" suggested Katrina.

"Yes, that could work. I'll do that if I can't think of anything else. It's a bit second year, you know?" said Natasha.

"Lily, how would you seduce him?" said Katrina. She caught me off guard; I wasn't expecting to be included.

"Seduce who?"

"Haven't you been paying attention? Luka Richardson, obviously" said Anker.

I'm so over hearing about Natasha's romances. I swear there's a new boy every few weeks. I decided to give a joke answer to convey my disdain. "How about you leave a trail of rose petals leading up to his bed where you write 'I like you but don't tell your sister' in the blood of a virgin?"

"Gross, Lily" said Adrianna, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Don't act like you're above silly things like dating. You seem to have accidentally written James' name into your stupid essay three times. It's obvious you like him" Trina smirked.

The girls around her gasped in excitement and leant over for a better look at my page.

"As if I would do that" I said and checked my essay. Sure enough, she was right.

"Oh my god, Lily, you didn't tell me you liked James!" squealed Adrianna.

"Keep your voice down! And no, I do not like him!" I lied.

"You're blushing! That proves it" said Natasha.

"I'm going to tell him" Katrina threatened playfully.

I didn't find that funny at all, but the others dissolved into a fit of silent laughter. "Seriously, don't" I hissed.

"No, I want to" said Anker. "LILY LIKES..." she began, but I shot her a threatening glance, "no one". It's moments like these that make me wonder why Anker is known for being 'the funny one'. I find her exceptionally _un_funny.

"_Stop it" _I said.

"Oh my god Lily, you totally have a crush on him!"

"I do not!"

"Then why do you care if we tell him?" asked Anker.

That question is to dumb for me to even answer. "Can you all just stop it?!" I said frantically.

"Hey, James!" called Katrina. My heart beat faster; I worked hard on keeping a calm expression, but inside I was panicking.

Natasha decided to join Anker is loudly saying "Lily likes..." again.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to get yourself kicked out of the library?" I tried to reason. I thought that if they thought they would suffer the consequences they might stop torturing me.

James looked over his shoulder at us.

"Come over here" said Adrianna.

James left his book and approached our table. "Yes?"

I threw Trina an icy stare, hoping to scare her out of telling James anything.

"Lily has something to tell you," she said. I hate her; I really, really hate her.

James turned his body to face me. I was glad he couldn't see what was happening behind him: Natasha kept winking so obviously that her mouth would open, Adrianna had her hands in the shape of a love heart and was gazing lovingly at me through them, while Anker and Katrina kept raising her eye brows suggestively and making kissy faces.

"Well, um, James," I began. My mind was blank. Of course I wasn't going to tell him right then and there, in front of everyone, that I fancied him. "We need to go to the kitchens. Prefect duty, you know?"

"Oh, ok. Let me just get my bag" said James. Luckily he seemed completely oblivious to what really just happened. He returned to his table and shoved some papers in his bag.

"Oh my god, Lily, you guys practically have a date!" said Adrianna, gasping for air. Her usually dark brown cheeks were pink, as if silent laughter was physical exercise.

"Yeah, sure we do" I agreed. Protesting will probably just make them start teasing me again.

"Lily, are you coming?" James asked.

"Yep, one second" I replied and gathered up my half finished Potions essay, bag and quill.

Katrina, Adrianna, Anker and Natasha continued suggestively winking and eyebrow-wiggling at me as I left. I felt relieved to be away from them.

"What was that you were working on?" said James.

"Just my Potions essay" I said as we passed through the library doors and entered the corridor.

"The houndstone one? I've been struggling with that" he replied. I felt slightly proud that I was better at something than him. I used to hate him for getting such good marks in pretty much everything. James and Petunia are very similar like that. Both get the same results as I do, but put in maybe half the effort. It made me really jealous, especially in fifth year.

"You should check out _A brief analysis of stones in potions_"

We talked some more about the essay and Professor Slughorn till we got to the Entrance Hall. "That potion we made last week, the elixir of induced euphoria, it reminded me of this movie I saw in Dubai" said James.

"What movie?" I asked. We descended the stairs into the corridor that leads to the dungeons and kitchens.

"I don't remember the name, but it was about a boy whose parents were breaking up. He kept trying different things to keep them together, it was pretty sad"

"I haven't seen it, I don't really like movies"

"I figured that being muggle-born would have meant you watched them all"

"Not even a muggle would have time to watch them all"

"Oh; I suppose there are quite a lot of them. That was the first one I've ever seen, I also saw one about a man with a chainsaw who killed people. There was this scene where –"

"Oh-my-god, please-don't-tell-me-anymore" I said in one quick breath as I covered my ears. I absolutely hate horror movies, even hearing about them freaks me out. I'm an easily scared person, I always have been.

James looked alarmed at my reaction. "Calm down, I won't say anything"

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Can I just ask why you hate violent movies so much?" he said.

"It's not the violence that I hate; I just find that kind of movie really depressing"

"How so? It's fake, you know. Movies are staged"

"Yeah, I realise that. I hate watching people slowly killed"

"But they're not really dying"

"_I know_, James. I'm muggle born, remember? I don't like them because... hmm... I don't really know how to explain it" I said. I actually could explain it; I'm just worried he'll think I'm weirdly sensitive or something.

"Please try?" he pushed.

"Fine, I'll give it a go. It's like, there are these people who know they're going to die, and they are trying in vain to survive but really they just have to accept their fate" I explained. "And it's so unjust, they never do anything in particular to earn it. Someone just has to decide that they want to kill someone in a really horrible way"

James was silent for a moment. "So I guess you hate sad movies too?"

"No, they're fine. I don't really watch them anyway"

"You don't find them depressing?"

"A bit"

"That's weird". James said shortly. I winced slightly. He reminded me of how Petunia had said I went to school where you had to be born weird.

"Petunia calls me 'empathically challenged'" I said.

"Who's Petunia?"

"Just my older sister; she doesn't go here, she's a muggle"

"I didn't know you had any siblings" said James, surprised.

"She's the only one"

"Do you get along?"

"We do most of the time, but we fight anyway," I said. "Do you? Have any siblings, I mean"

"No, I'm and only child"

"I figured"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing" I said evenly. James had always struck me as the stereotypical only child. He seemed like he was used to always getting his way and being the centre of attention. For years I hated that about him, but now, in sixth year, it's kind of part of his charm.

We finally arrived at the kitchens. James tickled the pear and the door to the kitchen appeared. The smell of fresh bread hit me as I pushed open the door. A house elf noticed us immediately and scurried over.

"Can I help you, sirs and miss?" it squeaked. I couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl.

"I was hoping we could have some vegetarian goulash soup?" James told the house elf.

"Right away, sir" said the house elf and it dashed off to fetch out food.

"Are you vegetarian?" I asked.

"No, but I thought you might be"

"Why?" I asked. I had never told him anything about my eating requirements.

"I've never seen you eat meat"

I was shocked. I had no idea James had been paying such close attention to me, even thought I rarely ate with him. I usually sat with my group of friends during mealtimes. "I don't like the taste. I do occasionally eat it, if I have to".

"Oh, ok. Is it alright that I got the goulash? You do like soup, don't you?"

"Yeah, though I'd eat anything right now, I'm starving"

"I thought you must be. You weren't at dinner"

"How did you know -?" I asked suspiciously. James was sort of freaking me out. Knowing that someone was paying such close attention made me suddenly feel self-conscious about every movement.

"I'm just observant" he said shortly. "So, why didn't you want to eat earlier?"

"I did, I just couldn't"

"How do you mean?"

"I had some work to do in the library"

"Work so important it couldn't wait half an hour?"

"Well, yeah"

"What could possibly be that vital?"

The house elf returned with a bowl of soup in each hand. It gave one bowl to me and the other to James. "Thanks" I said as it left. I turned to James and hesitated before answering. "It was my Potions essay, I need to get really high marks".

"Why?" James said. He was really pushing it.

"Why do you want to know?" I snapped. James was making me feel vulnerable. That doesn't seem like the right word for it, but I can't think of anything more fitting. First he knew so much about when and what I ate, then I told him about my sister (who not even Katrina, my best friend, knows about), and now he wanted to know about why I worked so hard. The last person I allowed to know so much about me was Severus Snape, and he totally betrayed me.

"Calm down, I'm sorry I asked" said James quietly. I saw the hurt in his eyes and felt guilt wash over me.

I said nothing for a moment, but then replied, "I'm sorry I snapped at you". I really was. It couldn't hurt to tell him the truth. I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of, but I don't trust anyone. I sighed and said, "My parents have really high standards, especially when it comes to school. Petunia is an over-achiever in every way possible; they think that's normal and expect the same results from me"

We drank our soup in silence for a few minutes. "You don't have to always do what your parents want" James told me.

"Yes, I do" I responded. My voice was much more serious and quiet than I was expecting.

"What happens if you don't?" James said as he finished his soup.

"Well, nothing" I said lamely. "It's just a nice feeling to make your parents proud".

"I know" he agreed. I noticed that my bowl was almost empty, too. I hadn't realised I was eating so quickly.

"Wait, didn't we come here for some kind of prefect duty?" He said.

I'd forgotten all about that. "Oh, yeah..."

James looked at me expectantly.

"Um, about that..." I began.

"That wasn't the real reason for coming here, was it?" James grinned at me.

I smiled sheepishly at him.

"I knew it. What on earth would a prefect have to do in the kitchens?"

I sighed. My mind raced as I tried to think of a believable excuse, but I couldn't do it. I had to answer honestly. "Sorry I lied. I sort of wanted to get away from my friends for a while"

"Fair enough, you're forgiven" said James. He checked his watch and his eyes widened in surprise. "Lily, we need to get going! It's an hour past curfew"

We put our empty bowls on the bench and started heading back up to Gryffindor Tower.

"What was so bad about your friends that you had to bring me all the way to the kitchens?" asked James curiously.

"They were just being really annoying,"

"You always do that," he said abruptly.

"Do what?" I said, alarmed.

"I ask you a question and you answer really vaguely"

"I do not," I objected.

"You did it when I asked about your sister, then when I asked why you had to work so hard on your homework, and again just now! You're probably the most secretive person I know"

"I'm not _that _bad. But fine, since it bothers you I'll keep all my answers over the word limit in future" I said pompously.

"I'm not trying to insult you; I only wanted to get to know you"

"I just said I'd answer properly! What was the question again?"

"Why did you want to get away from your friends?"

I paused for a moment. I wanted to choose my words carefully so that I could give a satisfactory response while not telling James too much. "They can be sort of mean sometimes. Katrina asked me how I would '_seduce'_ some idiot that Natasha likes, so I was like 'write him a message in rose petals' or something like that, and Katrina told me to not act like I was too good to worry about dating. And then Natasha, Adrianna and Anker thought it would be fun to tease me, and that's when Katrina called you over"

"Why'd she want me to come over?"

"I don't know, I guess she thought you might want to join in" I lied. I obviously couldn't tell him the real reason.

"I wouldn't have joined in. They don't sound like very good friends" said James slowly. He sounded concerned.

"They are good sometimes, I swear. They're just having a bit of fun"

"At your expense"

"They're not _that_ bad. I mean, sure, I'd rather that they would stop their mean jokes or that I could get some new friends, but it really is fine,"

James looked pained.

"Everyone makes fun of their friends sometimes. Even you and Sirius do it" I said.

"Only jokingly, and we know when to stop,"

We had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. It was lucky we hadn't run into anyone on the way. "Late again, Potter?" she said.

"You wouldn't tell on me, would you?" he said charmingly. "Ridiculum Signum".

The portrait swung open to admit us. We crossed the common room to the separate staircases that lead to the boys' and girls' dorms. "Goodnight, James. Thanks for coming to get food with me" I said, smiling.

"Don't mention it"

I started to climb the spiral staircase up to my room, when James called out, "Wait, Lily".

"Yes?" I said and returned to the foot of the stairs.

"You don't have to sit with Katrina and Adrianna or any of them if you don't want to. You can sit with me whenever you like"

"Thanks, James" I said. "I really appreciate it"

James stepped forward and hugged me. I hugged him back, enjoying feeling his warm, broad chest and muscular arms wrap around me. His face bent towards mine, slowly inching closer.

He was about to kiss me, I just knew it. I swiftly turned my face to the side so that he got me cheek instead of my lips. I think he noticed just in time, as his lips didn't move around or feel too strong like they would have if he hadn't known.

I pulled away. "Goodnight, James. And again, thanks" I said and departed for my room.

My room was soundless – everyone was already asleep. I quietly changed into my pyjamas, crawled into bed and pulled my curtains shut.

I thought about the last few hours and felt my stomach contract. Just half an hour ago I had felt ok, if a little hesitant, about revealing so much to James, but now I regretted it.

Before today I'd had no idea that I was being watched so closely. I didn't like that James knew things about me without being told, and I hated that someone could read me so easily. It made me feel insecure and exposed. Had he been watching that time I'd dropped my cup of tea while drinking from it at breakfast? How about that time I accidentally set my robes on fire in Charms? I couldn't know what else he did or didn't know about me.

I regretted telling him about Petunia, who before today only Snape knew about. I also regretted telling him that I don't really like my friends. I'd never told anyone that, not even Petunia, who despite our fight a few days ago is my closest friend as well as my sister. I was embarrassed to admit that my friends at Hogwarts don't treat me well. I might as well have told him I was a major loser.

There's something about James that makes me trust him. He's charming. I assume that's why so many girls like him, including the Fat Lady. I hate that I'm not the only one he has that effect on. I really shouldn't have told him anything.

There are only two things I can do: the first is to obliviate him, which is illegal without permission from the Ministry of Magic. The other is to make it even – I'm going to have to find out all about James, even more than he knows about me.

The spot on my cheek to the right of my mouth was still tingling from where he kissed me. That was certainly the most confusing thing to happen tonight. This morning I had known I had a crush on him, like I was the 'chaser' and he was the 'chasee'. I thought I was the one in control, the one pursuing _him_. Now I don't know who was what.

I definitely like him – that much is positive. He probably likes me back, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to kiss me, but maybe he's just a really nice, charming guy and this is how he acts with all girls. I'm glad I turned my head at the last second. I'm not ready to be that close to him yet (both mentally and physically), not when he has such an upper hand.

**A/N: Hi everyone, I hope you had a good day (I didn't), please review?**


	3. Getting to Know You

_Heart skipped a beat  
And when I caught it you were out of reach  
But I'm sure, I'm sure  
You've heard it before_

Heart Skipped a Beat by the XX

I showered, put on makeup and a blue mini-dress and a jumper and left for breakfast by myself as no one else had woken up. It was a Saturday, so most people wanted to sleep in. As I descended the stairs to the Entrance Hall James came through the front doors. He looked exhausted.

"Good morning, Lily" he said.

"Hi James; did you just have practise?" I asked. James was wearing quidditch robes.

"Yep. Why I scheduled a practise so early in the morning, I don't know. The rest of the team hated it too"

"Not a morning person?"

"Not after just a few hours of sleep". There were big bags under his eyes and he kept blinking slowly.

To my happiness the Great Hall was almost empty. We spotted Sirius and Peter halfway down the Gryffindor table. James sat next to Sirius and I sat on the other side of the table, next to Peter. I spooned some blueberries and yoghurt into a bowl and mixed it around.

"Hi Sirius, Peter," I said. They both greeted me back.

"You stink" said Sirius. He was talking to James.

"I had to get up at six for an early quidditch practise" James said slowly.

"Did you shower?"

"I didn't have time"

"Time? I also woke up at six, and since then I've been for a run, showered, done my hair, subtly undermined my brother, wrapped Remus' present and here I am, with my History of Magic essay. We got an extension till today, remember?"

"Transfiguration essay?" said James, dismayed, "Oh no..."

"If you stay up all night talking about, err, no one," Sirius glanced at Lily, "and then refuse to sleep in and instead go outside and play quidditch, obviously you will feel awful. You know, Prongs, I don't know why you bother to wake up sometimes. You're such a complete and total waste of food and..." Sirius began. I gently pushed the bowl of fruit with my elbow and tipped a goblet of pumpkin juice onto Sirius' lap. Sirius swore loudly.

"Wow, Sirius. It looks like you pissed yourself" I said calmly.

"That's not supposed to happen!" exclaimed Sirius. I understood what he meant – Sirius was usually so smooth, he practically never makes embarrassing mistakes. "Now I'm going to have to go all the way back upstairs to change my pants! Ah well, I guess I had to go back anyway to wake Moony. Lily, did you know it's Remus' birthday today? We're having a big hangout in our dorm tonight"

Before I could answer that I did know that, James interrupted, "Speaking of that, did you get the drinks?"

"I thought you were getting them?"

"No, I arranged everything else so we agreed you would get them"

James groaned. It was obvious he wanted nothing more but to go back to sleep. "Fine" he muttered.

"Ok, we're going to need a lot. Tell you what; just get a barrel of firewhiskey. There's this girl in Slytherin, Isabella Nott, whose parents own a bar. She'll sell you some"

"Why can't Peter go?"

"Have you seen Nott? His finger will be the biggest piece of him we'll find"

"Why don't _you_ go?"

"I can't, I've got a detention this morning and then the four of us are hanging out at the lake till the party. Anyway, I've got to go get changed, see you," Sirius left the Great Hall, handing his History of Magic essay to Professor Binns, who was floating next to the door, on his way out.

James rested his head on the table and seemed to be trying to sleep a bit more. Peter was the only person left for me to talk to. "So, Peter, what are you doing today?"

"I was thinking I might just have breakfast and then go up to my dorm and see Remus and Sirius, then put on a jacket..." I was only trying to make polite conversation, but Peter took it as an invitation to tell me blow-by-blow his plans for the morning.

"James, are you ok?" I said after Peter eventually finished speaking. He still was trying to sleep at the breakfast table.

"Mhhmph" he replied.

"Don't you want some breakfast?" asked Peter.

"There's pancakes and coffee?" I offered.

This persuaded James to lift his head up, "Coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll even pour it for you,"

"Thanks, Lily" he said appreciatively. He half-smiled, and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty attractive.

I poured some coffee, milk and sugar into a cup and handed it to him. "So, what are your plans for today?"

James took a sip of his coffee. "I have to chase around Sirius' fire whiskey dealer, and hopefully get some sleep, and then sitting by the lake in the afternoon until Remus' birthday hangout. He's been very firm that it can't be called a party. Do you want to come?"

"Hmm, who else is going?" I asked. I didn't want to go if there was no one else I was friends with there.

"Me, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice, Emmeline... um, a few people from the quidditch team, like Jasper and Ghalib, and Eliza from Ravenclaw is bringing her dorm" said James. I was relieved that I knew some of them. I sat next to Alice and Emmeline in Transfiguration and I dated Jasper at the start of fifth year.

"What time does it start?"

"After dinner, at about eight. Are you coming?"

"I'll try to make it, but I might be busy" I said. I definitely was going; I just wanted to sound cool and mysterious.

"It'll be going pretty late, it's ok if you come for just the end"

"Cool, I guess I'll see you then. I'd better get going, though" I said. As I stood up the post arrived. A big, brown school owl glided to me and landed on the table, knocking over a stack of toast. James checked the name on the envelope.

"It's for you, Lily" he said and untied the letter from the owl's leg.

I took it from him. _For Lily Evans _was written on the back. I recognised the neat, round writing to be Petunia's.

"Who's it from?" asked James curiously.

"Oh, you know... just home" I said vaguely. I hadn't forgotten how I'd regretted telling James about my home life when we went to the kitchens a few days ago. I tucked it away down the front of my dress. James looked at me questioningly. "I've got no pockets" I explained.

"Don't you want to read it?"

"No, I'll read it later. Anyway, I've got to go, bye" I said and departed the Great Hall. I really didn't have to go anywhere. Petunia told me once that a boy won't be interested in you if he thinks that you don't have a life of your own.

Back in my dorm, everyone had at last woken up. The only person not fully dressed was Anker.

"Lily, we were thinking of going to the lake today" said Natasha.

"Great" I said. I remembered how James said he'd be at the lake today as well and smiled. I'd be able to watch him from afar.

"Scarf or no scarf?" said Adrianna, holding up a green silky scarf.

"Scarf. And get a jacket, too" said Anker.

"Can I borrow one of yours?"

"Yes, but not the black one" replied Anker, and Adrianna rifled through the wardrobe before emerging with a navy coat.

We set off to the lake, grabbing some toast from the Great Hall on the way. The rest of the day was spent lounging around on the banks of the lake. I had to lie in the shade because I get burnt easily. At one point Katrina almost persuaded a girl in second year to bring us some food. She can be very manipulative. The only reason the girl didn't was because her older sister came over, glaring at us, and lead the girl away.

I feel like I get glared at a lot more when I'm with Katrina. She's the kind of popular that no one really likes. She's rather pretty and usually nice enough, but she likes to make snarky comments about people. Katrina is from Spain, but was brought up in Ireland by her adoptive parents. She has dark brown hair almost black eyes. I overheard a girl once say that she that Katrina was so mean that she was surprised her tongue wasn't forked like a snake. For the record, Trina's tongue is a normal shape.

She used to be quite nice to everyone. We became friends in first year because we shared a dorm. It was only in fourth year that she started to get gradually meaner.

I don't think I would be even talk to Adrianna, Natasha or Anker if we didn't share a dorm. The only thing we really have in common is that we all call Trina our best friend. I don't know who Trina would consider her best friend.

Slowly the sky darkened and we went inside for dinner.

After a dinner of quiche and salad Katrina, Anker and I went back to our dorm while Adrianna and Natasha went to the Owlery.

"Do you think I'm prettier than her?" asked Anker. She was sitting cross legged on her bed, holding a magazine next to her face so that we could compare her to an actress.

Katrina and I compared the two faces. "You're equal, but if you had a team of makeup artists you'd be prettier" said Trina.

"Aww, thanks!" said Anker.

"How about me?"

"What do you mean? Are you prettier than me?" asked Anker, taken aback.

"No, I mean who's equal to me?"

"Oh, um..." Anker flipped through her magazine till she found a picture of a 'before' shot in a 'before and after' weight loss product. "Here – this is your equal"

"Wow, thanks Anker" I replied sarcastically. How had I not seen that coming? I had just presented her with an opportunity to effortlessly insult my appearance.

"Oh my god, Anker, you're so mean!" scolded Trina, though she was smiling. "Don't listen to her, Lily, she's just jealous of your ravishing beauty".

"I am not!" protested Anker. "Fine, I change my mind. Lily, you're exactly like Marilyn Monroe"

"No, she's more like Twiggy"

"She's got the face and hair of Marilyn but the body of Twiggy" laughed Anker.

"Thanks heaps, guys," I said.

"Don't mention it".

We hung out and read magazines for an hour, and then it was time for me to go to Remus' birthday hangout. I got ready, but I didn't want them to know where I was going because they'd want to go to. When no one was looking I put Petunia's letter in my trunk and extracted Remus' wrapped present, a stack of records, and hid it under my jacket. Then I said goodbye to Anker and Katrina and left.

I knocked on the second-topmost door coming off the boys' staircase. I was still wearing my dark blue mini-dress, but had put on white stockings and a jacket to keep warm. I could hear music playing on the other side of the door, so when no one answered I knocked again, this time louder.

"Hi Lily" said Remus, opening the door. He was grinning and wearing a lopsided cone-shaped hat, the kind that muggle children wear to birthday parties.

"Remus! Happy birthday, I got you a present!" I exclaimed and handed him a neatly wrapped box.

"Aw, Lily, you shouldn't have" Remus said. He turned it over in his hands, admiring the wrapping paper. That's what I like about him. He's so gentle and unassuming. He takes care of detail. Sometimes it's something, small, like wrapping paper, but sometimes it's bigger. He notices if someone is upset or feeling left out. "Come in, have a seat".

I entered the dorm, or as James refers to it, 'The Potter Cave'. There wasn't really anywhere to sit. When I asked James who was coming tonight, I got the impression that there would be only about ten or fifteen guests. There were actually at least 25 guests. They were lying on the ground, or draped over beds, or in Sirius' case, trying to climb a bed post and sit on the canopy of a bed. I stepped through the bodies and settled myself on a cushion next to James. He was deep in conversation with Alice, who was lying on her back on his other side.

"Lily, you made it!" he cried when he saw me.

"Hi, Lily," said Alice. "We were just talking about the new shop in Hogsmeade".

"What new shop?"

"What's it called again?" Alice said to James.

"I think it started with an M?"

"I thought it was a P. Anyway, it sells knitted things, like hats and jumpers" said Alice.

"Is it good?"

"I haven't been yet" she said.

"I have, it's good for a shop" said James.

"You don't like shopping?"

"It's alright I guess" he replied. Alice, James and I kept discussing Hogsmeade for half an hour, until James got up and started passed some bottles of firewhiskey around. He handed one to me and then sat on the other side of the room with Peter. Then Emmeline came over and took James' spot. I spent most of the night talking to Alice and Emmeline. I had been good friends with Alice for ages because we always are put in classes together. I didn't know Emmeline that well, but it turns out we have heaps in common. We both care about fashion, and neither of us like animals apart from cats. We've both visited the same countries, and we both have older sisters.

I feel like this night is exactly what I needed. The air is hazy with smoke, but not in a choking way. It just makes it feel warm and relaxed. Jasper, my ex-boyfriend, turned off the main lights a while ago, so the only lighting is coming from the reading lamps beside each bed. I could hear the other guests talking and laughing, and a record was playing. It was relaxed and spacey, and reminded me of the kind of music I imagined Xenophilius Lovegood, who graduated a few years ago, would listen to. I took another sip of my firewhiskey and lay back, listening to the conversation but not really participating any more.

I thought back to how I had felt in the Entrance Hall on the first day of term. I'd felt so alone in the crowd of people waiting to enter the Great Hall. It was like everyone was staring at me, thinking I was weird for not having a friend by my side. Loneliness is painful. You know those times, when something funny or shocking happens, and you make eye contact with a friend and you both know that you're thinking the same thing? I was never certain I'd have someone to make eye contact with, and you can't live like that, always looking over your shoulder, expecting to be abandoned at any moment.

Now, lying in James' dorm, celebrating our friend's birthday, I felt entirely different. It's strange how things can change so much in such little time. I wasn't exactly best friends with everyone, but I was good friends with James, Remus, Alice and Emmeline. I was also friends with Sirius and Jasper. I was so content; I knew that if I said something it wouldn't just be ignored or dismissed, unlike in my dorm. I felt like I had someone to make eye-contact with.

The hours passed with little event. I felt so peaceful. A few people went to bed, including Alice, which left some free space beside me. James sat beside me and looked down at me, smiling slightly. "Enjoying the party?"

"I thought we weren't allowed to call it that" I said serenely.

"I thought you weren't allowed to take illicit substances under the age of 17, let alone in a school dormitory" he said.

"I guess no one is doing the right thing tonight" I said. "I'm going to have to tell Professor McGonagall about this, by the way".

"Lily, you wouldn't!" he said, slightly panicky.

"Calm down, I'm only joking"

"What would happen if McGonagall did know about this?" asked James.

"She'd probably join in" I joked.

"No, seriously" he said, grinning at my joke.

"I assume we'd be suspended" I said as I sat up and leaned with my back against the wall. James shuffled backwards, so that he was sitting right next to me. I rested my head on his shoulder, and he rested his head on top of mine.

"Have you ever been suspended?"

"No," I said, "I'm not badass enough. Have you?"

"Only once; it was last year" he answered.

"Really? What did you do?"

"It wasn't a big deal. Or at least not as big as the teachers seemed to think it was. We just set fire to this tree outside and did like this voodoo-tribal-ceremony thing"

"But you don't need voodoo, you're a wizard"

"I figured that out a while ago" laughed James. "It was only a bit of fun, we weren't near anything else flammable, but Remus, Sirius and I were suspended for arson and damage to school property"

"That's such an overreaction! I can't believe I didn't know about this"

"Yeah, how do you not notice a big fire?"

"I meant, how did I not notice that you were suspended"

"Maybe you did notice but it upset you so much that you blocked the memory from your mind" teased James. He's doing that thing again, the flirtatious we-belong-together-and-you-love-me jokes that he used to do last year. They annoyed me so much back then, but now it's funny.

"Yeah, that's probably it" I said sarcastically.

Neither of us spoke for a while, we just listened to the ambient music coming from the record player.

I was watching Remus pour something from a Ravenclaw's hipflask into his drink. It looked like he was having fun. Eventually, James and I began talking again. "How did you become friends with Remus?"

"We were assigned the same dorm in first year, but we didn't really become friends until a month later,"

"Why's that?" I questioned.

"We didn't click at first; we didn't know what we had in common so there was nothing to talk about. But then one day we were in Potions and I had to share a cauldron with... what's his name again? Oh yeah, Gandira Saju. Anyway, we were talking about music, and I mentioned that I liked this band, don't ask me what it is 'cause I was an embarrassing 11-year-old. But then Gandira started telling me how dumb that band was and we got in this big argument about it. Remus overheard and as he was also a fan of that band he rushed to my defence and flung some newt eyes at him"

"Ouch. What band was it?"

"I can't say, it's too bad"

"Why can't you tell me?"

"It was just such a typical 11-year-old emo band"

"Please tell me, it's not I'll stop talking to you or anything" I pushed.

"Fine, it was 'Mystic Death Monkey'"

"That's so stereotypical, I should have guessed" I said.

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone goes through a gothic phase at the start of the teen years. I bought these hot pink and black plastic studded wrist cuffs and thought I was so cool and deep"

James laughed, "I can't imagine that!"

"Luckily the school dress code made sure I only wore could them during the summer between first and second year"

"I'm still struggling to picture you going through the preteen gothic phase"

"Please don't imagine me wearing them, it's embarrassing" I said, "But anyway, I think that it's important to do these sorts of things"

"Listen to bad music and wear studded cuffs?"

"Well, yeah, but I more meant that it's important to experiment"

"It would be cool if that experimenting was something a bit less cliché, though." James said.

"Yeah, you're right"

James' hand was resting on his leg, just a few inches from where mine was. I wanted to hold it, but I was afraid that if I did he would be like 'what are you doing' and I'd have to make up some lame excuse and then I'd be really upset. He used to ask me out all the time, like once a month, there's no reason he would suddenly not like me now. He tried to kiss me the other day. And right now, our heads are resting on each other. We're practically spooning. I slowly inched my hand towards his. James caught on and turned his palm upwards to receive my hand.

There, that wasn't so hard.

I felt alone with James, despite the 15 or so people around us. The atmosphere was sleepy and the party/hangout had officially wound down. I closed my eyes.

"Lily," he muttered quietly. I could barely hear him.

"Mm?"

"This is really nice"

"I know it is"

"How are you feeling right now?" he asked me.

"I don't know – relieved" I sighed.

"What about?"

"Just, you know, this. Hanging out with all these people, it's been such a good night"

"But why would that be a relief?"

"I've felt sort of isolated for so long, but now I don't," I said. I knew that just a week ago I had decided I wouldn't let James no anything new about me, but I felt so safe and close to James in that moment – maybe it was the firewhiskey.

"I know what you mean, Lily,"

"How could you know about isolation? You go everywhere with an entourage" I said.

"Before I came to Hogwarts I felt pretty isolated, like I was an only child with working parents, and we lived in this big house in the country side. I had literally one friend – the housekeeper, and being nice is part of the job description"

"That must have been so lonely; I can't imagine living like that"

"I was hard, but that's ok"

"Didn't you have a school with other kids?" I asked.

"I went to school till I was 7, but I started homeschooling then 'cause I was being bullied"

"You so don't seem like the kind of person to be bullied"

"Thanks"

I paused before I said, "You've actually become the bully,"

"I have not!"

"So you don't think you bully Snape?"

"Well – yeah, ok, I did bully him, but not anymore,"

"I just don't get why you did it,"

"Bullied him or stopped?" James said.

"Both,"

"I did it because I wanted to protect myself from becoming the victim again. I was so over being small and unnoticed, I thought that if I put someone down I'd look better in comparison,"

"So it wasn't really because he had oily hair," I said.

"His hair is pretty gross, but no, that's not why I was so mean. Anyway, I stopped after that big fight in 5th year, you know after the OWLs where put a levicorpus charm on Snape and he called you a mudblood and –"

"Yeah, I know what happened"

"Right, just checking,"

"So why did that make you stop being so mean?"

"I think it made me realise that I was doing so much harm, and also because it hurt you so much,"

How did James know that it affected me so much? "What do you mean?"

"I never really understood that Snape was a real person that you cared about"

"I mean, how did you know how much it upset me?" I questioned.

"He was you're only friend from home, so that must have been hard, but also I didn't see you eat for the next week"

"What is with you and monitoring my food intake?"

"I'm not purposefully watching you eat, I swear," said James, "I'm just observant"

"What did Sirius have for lunch today?"

"I don't know, why?"

"I as proving that you're only observant when it comes to me"

"Not in a creepy way!"

"Whatever, I don't want to start bickering like we used to again"

"Same here," said James.

"I just have one more question about why you were so mean to Snape: of all the people you could have picked on, why did you pick the best friend of the girl you wanted to impress?"

"If I tell you, you have to swear you won't ever tell anyone else – not even Sirius,"

"I swear,"

"And you have to promise we'll still be friends if I tell you"

"Fine, I promise,"

"I was jealous of him," confessed James. "You liked him so much, and I just wanted you to like me at least a tiny bit"

"So you made his life hell just because you wanted my approval?" I said, stunned.

"That's right"

"You're a douche, James" I scolded.

"We're still friends, right?"

"You're a jerk, but you're still my friend" I said finally.

**A/N: Please review : )**


	4. Going too Far

_I will not hear you out  
you tried to drown me once  
at the bottom of the lake  
I jumped off  
this rope's gone_

Bobby, Youth Lagoon

"Lily, you need to get up; it's like, 7:30," said Katrina.

"7:45," corrected Adrianna.

I groaned and sighed deeply. I slid out of bed and quickly showered, put on my uniform, applied my makeup and brushed my red hair. When no one was looking I tucked my letter from Petunia into the pocket of my robe.

Then we got breakfast in the Great Hall before going to class. As it was a Thursday I had Herbology first. It's one of my least favourite classes, which is why I took so long to wake up. After Herbology was Defence Against the Dark Arts, and then Arithmancy. I sort of hate Arithmancy because it's such a boring subject, but I also like it because I sit next to and talk to Emmeline and Alice. At lunch I ate pasta and salad and checked that I still had Petunia's letter in my pocket. Next was Potions, where I handed in my essay. I then had a free period, which I used to start my new Herbology Essay in the library. My last class of the day was Transfiguration. I sat next to Alice in the second last row, and we were learning to transfigure birds into cats, which I personally found difficult and useless. James, who was sitting a few rows in front of us, was the first in the class to succeed.

When the bell rang to signal the end of the school day, I tried to open my bag to put away my books but the clasp was stuck. I kept trying to pull it loose, but it wouldn't open.

"Do you want me to wait?" asked Alice.

"No, it's fine," I said as I yanked at the clasp of my bag.

"Ok, I'll save you a seat by the fire," said Alice.

"Thanks; see you," I said. Alice waved goodbye and left. I was the only one in the classroom. My clasp, which I'd expected to take longer to fix, became unstuck instantly.

I should have let Alice wait for me. I put away my books, swung my bag onto my shoulder and left the room. I turned left down the corridor and saw James was walking slowly ahead of me, almost at the corner.

"Wait, James!" I called.

James turned around and his face broke into a grin. He started walking in my direction, but had only taken a few steps when I saw something on the ground a few steps in front of me. It was a, white, rectangular piece of paper, which seemed to have been folded in half, with one side flat on the ground with the other sticking up.

"James, did you drop this?" I said, gesturing to the paper.

James' grin faltered. He didn't answer me, but instead watched me with panicked eyes as I picked it up. It wasn't paper folded in half; it was an open envelop. The triangular flap that would have sealed it was loose and slightly frayed. I turned it over in my hands and read my name in Petunia's round, neat handwriting across the back.

My stomach dropped.

I took one last glance at James' fearful face, standing centred between the sandstone archways, and fled in the opposite direction. I rounded the corner and strode down the corridor. With the envelope containing my letter clutched tightly and getting crinkled in my hand I flew through the halls as quickly as I could without running, ignoring the stares from the frequent clusters of students as I passed. I pushed open the door to the girls' bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me, locking it.

Tears leaked from eyes and I learnt against the double doors for support.

I relived the past 5 minutes in my mind, trying to make sense of what was happening. I imagined as many logical explanations for why my letter could be in a part of the castle I hadn't been in today, and why James could look so guilty about it. I could only think of one possible explanation: James had taken my letter and dropped it as he left Transfiguration. How else could he have known what that piece of paper was from the other end of the corridor? I felt sick just thinking about it.

I cried even harder as I slid down the door and sat in a crumpled heap on the ground, holding my letter even tighter. All the anxiety, anger, loneliness, frustration and sorrow I had been feeling lately built up in a ball at the bottom of my stomach. I felt emotionally exhausted by constantly measuring how much of myself I could reveal to Potter. I had learnt to open myself up and allow him to know things about me that I hadn't told anyone, and it until now, I had even stopped being bothered that he knew things about me just by observing. Now, however, I understood that James didn't want to get to know me because he genuinely liked or respected me – he merely pretended to care.

My breathing gradually steadied and tears stopped pouring from my eyes, allowing me to see clearly again. I glanced around the large, light filled bathroom to ensure I was alone (which I should have done much earlier) and slid my letter out of its torn envelope. If Potter had read it, I might as well, too. Every time Petunia sends me a letter I don't read it for about a week, and until I do I carry it everywhere with me. It made me feel like I had a piece of her with me, and it gave me something to look forward to. I unfolded the letter and read it.

_Dear Lily,_

_I'm writing to apologize about being a jealous bitch before you left for your school. I shouldn't have caused a scene, and I shouldn't have said any of the things I did. I'm sorry I said that it must be hard to choose between a phoenix and a unicorn – I actually knew that those are two things not allowed at your school; I overheard you telling Mum that a few years ago. I'm also sorry that I called you a freak, and that I played up my problems and played down all of yours. Most of all (thought I'm not taking the blame for this), I'm sorry that you feel that Mum and Dad love me more than you. _

_I know that when you come visit during the holidays they can't stop telling you about how good I am, and they make those subtle comments about how you haven't brought home an A+ yet. You probably don't know this, but when you're at school and they have guests over, which they do a lot, they always show them photos of you and boast about having such a good-looking daughter, and when they think I'm not listening they often talk about how proud they are that they have a daughter with unusual abilities. I guess I just got sick of it and took it out on you, and I'm sorry._

_You also said some pretty bad things, but it's ok and I forgive you because you're my little sister and __I love you__, and I've been trying to act like a mature adult lately._

_Speaking of mature adults, guess what happened!? Vernon gave me a promise ring! He said he'd give me an engagement ring when the time comes, but it's tacky to get married when you're too young so we'll wait. _

_And as well as that, he said that if I really want I can go to Oxford! I'm so excited I can't even handle it, like I think I might have a heart attack (but that's okay because I'll be able to perform heart surgery!)_

_Anyway, I'm going to stick to the point, which was the argument we had before you left: we were both right. You were right about me having a pretty perfect life (Oh my god it is so perfect!) and I was right about you having a perfect life too. I mean, you're not engaged to the most perfect man in the world and on your way to the best school in the world, but you do have it pretty good._

_And I'm sorry I was so mean._

_Lots of love, Petunia._

_P.S. What did James say about your hair?_

I reread the letter, folded it back up and slipped it down my shirt to ensure that I wouldn't lose it again. Prior to reading this, I hadn't realised how much I missed my sister. It didn't even matter to me that she had refused to call me school 'Hogwarts' and that she called magic 'unusual abilities'. Tears leaked out of my eyes again and before I knew it I was sobbing again.

I looked out the window at the darkening sky and the forest and caught my reflection in the glass. I was a mess, sitting crumpled on the stone floor, completely alone and isolated. Makeup had run down my red cheeks and my eyes were bright red and puffy. My hair had been dampened by my tears, making it curly and disorderly. I looked awful, but not as bad as I felt. I checked my watch and it suddenly occurred to me that no one had come to look for me or even tried to use the bathroom in the 2 hours that I'd been here.

I kept crying, but no tears would come. I really wasn't surprised that none of my roommates tried to find me. They weren't nice to me half the time; I couldn't see why they would start roaming the castle worrying about me now. I was sort of upset, but not surprised, that Alice and Emmeline hadn't noticed my absence. Alice had said that she's save me a seat in the common room, and I thought that Emmeline and I had officially become friends on Remus' birthday.

This was definitely the most lonely I had every felt. I felt like loneliness was part of my personality. Like, some people are arty, others are loud and I was lonely. It was like I was sort of just – _there_. Like everyone else go out and do things and get into relationships and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends, but instead of doing all that I'm just this mildly entertaining thing that people take interest in once in a while, but no one would really care if I was gone.

It's like I just _exist_ but I don't really _mean _anything.

I sat on the ground for another hour feeling sorry for myself and moping about how no one loved me, apart from Petunia but she was on the other side of Britain. I finally got to my feet, washed the smudged makeup off my face and smoothed my hair with my hands. I tried to clean my uniform up a bit, but decided to just take off my robe because it was what I was mostly sitting on when I had my hysterical crying fit. I pulled up my socks, checked that my letter was still in my shirt, grabbed my bag and robe and left the bathroom. I didn't want to go to the Common Room because it would be so crowded and Potter might be there. I couldn't go to the library because it was about to close, and I wasn't allowed to just sit around the castle or in a bathroom because it was almost past curfew, and if someone had to tell me off I'd probably burst into tears again.

I resigned to the fact that I had to go up to my dorm. I'd only have to briefly pass through the Common Room. I slouched through the corridors and through the portrait of the Fat Lady. As I passed Alice on the couch she opened her mouth to say something, but I gave her a weak smile and kept walking. I climbed the spiral staircase to my room, where I found Trina, Natasha, Anker and Adrianna.

"Lily, where've you been?" asked Natasha, "I needed your help with my Potions essay,"

"I went to the library," I said flatly.

"Are you ok?" asked Katrina.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Your eyes are all bloodshot and you look like a bit of a..." Trina paused while she searched for the right word.

"Hot mess?" offered Anker. She didn't mean that as a compliment. It didn't translate to 'sexy, effortless, and untidy', which is what I thought it meant the first time I heard it. It just meant 'an extreme mess'.

"I tripped on my way back. I'm fine though," I said.

"Right. Anyway, can I see your Potions essay?" asked Natasha.

"No, I already handed it in, sorry"

"Ok, whatever,"

"I think I'll go to sleep early tonight," I said in a monotone.

The girls ignored me and resumed their conversation about The Backstreet Hippogriffs. I sat on my bed and slipped off my shoes and stockings. I put my robe in the dirty washing basket and hung up my school bag on its hook.

There was a knock on the door, which I took no notice of.

"Come in," called Katrina.

My roommates' faces lit up at the sight of James as he stepped through the door. He was holding a broomstick, which I assumed he used to bypass the stairs.

I diverted my eyes and pretended that he wasn't there.

"Lily?" he said.

I turned my head to hide my face and started to take my decorative pillows off my bed and threw them on the floor.

"Can we talk?" He said nervously, "...in private?"

I pretended that I hadn't heard him.

"Look, I need to explain what happened before with the letter, and if you we can't do it alone I'll just have to say it here," he said.

"What letter?" said Katrina.

"A love letter?" giggled Anker insensitively.

"Fine, I'll talk with you alone," I growled at James. We left the room as Katrina and Adrianna winked at me while Anker and Natasha giggled again.

**A/N: I was inspired to make Lily carry that letter from Petunia by two things: I love wearing my sister's jumper because she lives in another city and I miss her, and because after his mother's death Hitler kept a photo of her on him at all times.**

**I'm also annoyed that I'm letting Petunia let a man tell her whether or not she can go to Oxford. Petunia is one of my favourite characters, and I think I understand her the most, and I knew that letting Vernon decide that was the kind of thing she'd do.**

**Reviews are appreciated **


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